Hello – Monologue (Alice)

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A monologue from the play by Stefan Marks

Sing of the Eternal Moment
Sing of the Eternal Moment

ALICE

Have you started filming? No! Please don’t start, can you rewind it? Okay. Alright. Okay… Can I stand? No, okay.

Alright. I’ll sit. Um, okay, you’re really going to cut this part out, right? Okay, okay, sorry, okay. Start now. Hello, everybody.

My name is Alice and I write untraditional children’s stories. I try to write with the wisdom of an adult and the honesty of a child.

I’ve written seven books. There Is No God and I Can Prove it, that’s one of them, and Waking Up Early Sucks,

Grandma’s Gonna Die Soon But That’s Okay, Mom and Dad Lie All the Time, and.. oh God, I’m thinking… Okay, well, there’s three more.

And I try to teach kids that you know, you’re probably not going to get everything you want when you grow up,

but that’s okay because society has brainwashed you into thinking that you want something that you probably didn’t want in the first place.

OH, do I want to have children… Well, you see, I like to think of my stories as my children, you know, ones you can legally kill off after they’ve been published. (Awkward laughter.)

.. And usually I think before I speak, but lately I’ve been speaking and then thinking and I’m like Oh my God Alice why the f*** did you just say that and I’m like…

Oh my god, I’m so sorry I don’t usually swear. Can you please cut that out? Okay, thank you. Do I actually think that there’s no God?

Um, well, I don’t think that’s going to help me get dates…Okay. I believe that if there is a God, it’d probably be smart enough to hide its existence from me.

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