All Kidding Aside – Monologue (Scotty)

All monologues are property and copyright of their owners. Monologues are presented on MightyActor for educational purposes only .

Measure for Measure by William Shak...
Measure for Measure by William Shakespeare as a Dark Comedy

A monologue from the play by Charles Johnson

Scotty

Welcome to the show. My name is Scotty Devlin. I know what you’re all thinking… How come she has a boy’s name? Actually my real name is Heidi.

But I had to change it when I lost my virginity.  Everyone named Heidi must change their name when they lose their virginity. That’s the rule.

Look at these girls over here all rustling through their programs. You’re all Heidis, right? Sorry.  Am I embarrassed or what? Actually, I lied to you.

Scotty is my real name. You see, when I was born the doctor was either far-sighted or a prankster, because as I popped out, I remember it vividly, he declared “it’s a boy.” 

In fact, I was a boy until my mother changed my diapers for the first time. Can you imagine their surprise. My mother fainted. My father just stared, “he can’t be my boy.” I was in stitches.

They tried calling me Judy for a while but I just wouldn’t respond. Would you have? There’s a Heidi nodding her head.

Oh, by the way, the part about all Heidis having to change their names when they lose their virginity, I didn’t lie about that. 

That is a known fact. Yes, it’s true. Think about it. How many grown women do you know named Heidi? All the Heidis I know are about 8 years old with long blond braids down their backs. 

They all wear pink dirndls with little white aprons. And are surrounded by goats. They skip their way into high school, getting A’s in Home Ec.

Then one day, probably on their 21st birthday- wham- Veronica, Yvonne, Desiree.  This is absolutely true, I promise you. You’ve never heard of a child being called Yvonne, have you?

If I had been called Judy, I’d have to change my name when I stopped wearing bangs. Have you ever met a seventy year old woman named Judy? 

It sounds like she should be chewing gum and skipping rope. I’m not making this up. Right before middle age sets in, Cindys become Harriet, or Beatrice, they have that option. 

All Wendy’s die at puberty. Regrettable, but necessary. I sort of like being called Scotty, besides it’s better than my middle name – Doug. Look, I gotta run. 

But before I go, I just want to say that I hope all the guys who are sitting here tonight with a girl named Heidi, wake up tomorrow morning with a Desiree.

Contact the author

Check out our monologue archive below for more monologues.

ALL KIDDING ASIDE (SCOTTY)CONTAINER OF SHARKS! (JOYCE)
I THINK I LOVE YOU (SIBOBAN)I THINK I LOVE YOU (SIBOBAN – 2)
THIS IS HOW YOU GOT ME NAKED (JACKIE)MONSTER (NESSA)
TEEN (JEANNIE)PROVENANCE (PITY)
DUSTY AND THE BIG BAD WORLD (LIZZIE)HOME OF THE GREAT PECAN (PRISCILLA)
SURFACE TENSION (WOMAN)ALL THIS INTIMACY (JEN)
KID-SIMPLE (MOLL)VICTORIA MARTIN: MATH TEAM QUEEN (VICTORIA)
THE AMISH PROJECT (VELDA)CARTOON (ESTHER)
HOLD ME (KATY)DOG SEES GOD: CONFESSIONS OF A TEENAGE BLOCKHEAD (VAN’S SISTER)
AUGUST: OSAGE COUNTY (VIOLET)HELLO (ALICE)
SKID MARKS: A PLAY ABOUT DRIVING (JILLIAN)PUFFS, OR SEVEN INCREASINGLY EVENTFUL YEARS AT A CERTAIN SCHOOL OF MAGIC AND MAGIC (MEGAN)
FINAL DRESS REHEARSAL (DIRECTOR)PETER AND THE STARCATCHER (MOLLY)
THE MONOLOGUE SHOW (FROM HELL) (LOLA)THE AUDITIONERS (AUDITIONER #2)
HOW I GOT THAT PART (BETH)SPACE GIRL (ARUGULA)
SEZ SHE (ACTRESS)YOU’RE A GOOD MAN, CHARLIE BROWN (SALLY)