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A monologue from the play by Cusi Cram
LIZZIE (eleven)
Lizzie Goldberg-Jones is a precocious yet charming girl and she is filming herself with a video camera while she talks. She is doing this for a video contest for a very popular kid’s tv show called Dusty, which her little brother Petey is obsessed with.
For the record: my favorite show is Sponge Bob. Sorry, it is. Do you guys watch that show? You should. Sponge Bob, he’s like a sponge. He’s supposed to be an underwater sponge,
but he looks like a dish-washing sponge, and he lives in a pineapple with his pet snail, Gary, and works as a fry cook at the Krusty Krab and has a really annoying neighbor, Squidward Tentacles who’s like always taking bubble baths.
(Lizzie laughs, she snorts a little.) That show rocks. Like sometimes it makes me laugh so hard I snort. Seriously. My dads like to watch the Gilmore Girls with us — they’re really into the mother, Lorelei.
I think she drinks way too much coffee and talks too fast. If my dads talked that much, I’d put myself up for adoption. Honestly. I only watch it with them because we get to watch five hours of TV a week and because they watch the Gilmore Girls with me,
it doesn’t count because it’s “family time.” I love TV. My dads say too much TV makes you as dense as a Republican. They do. I used to watch Dusty when I was little and it was OK.
For the record: I don’t watch it now and I only said I would [because my brother is] obsessed with Dusty. He has Dusty sheets and PJs and can’t go to sleep unless his two Dusty dust balls are tucked under each of his arms.
I guess the whole idea of Dusty is kinda neat. I kinda like that he’s a dust ball and he’s made up of everything and everyone. And it’s cool when he pulls some of himself off and then decides to go wherever that particle is from.
But [he] travels in a magical dustpan, which is a little lame, a dustpan? And his friend Spuds is lactose intolerant and that’s ALL HE EVER TALKS ABOUT but whatever, the show is cool.
I mean, if you’re six. Petey is six. So, when I heard the show had this competition, I thought, OK, why not? So. Dusty wants to know why he should come and visit us? Why we’re special?
I guess, first of all because Petey would love it more than anything in the world if you filmed us and then turned us into animated characters. It’d be like Sponge Bob — but not as cool.
I also thought maybe if the kids at school saw Petey on Dusty, saw my whole family animated — then maybe they would stop teasing Petey. It’s not like he complains. But stuff bugs him.
It bugs me too. People say the dumbest stuff, like it’s really weird you have two dads and the Bible says this and that about gay people. And mostly I don’t care about the Bible or what other people say because we are agnostic.
Buddhists, anyway. But I thought if we were on TV then maybe people would stop saying stupid stuff. Because TV matters. It matters to everyone.
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