Harold And Maude – Monologue (Mrs. Chasen)

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A monologue from the screen play by Colin Higgins

Mrs. Chasen

First, here is the personality interview which you are to fill out and return. Now then, are you ready, Harold? Here is the first question. ‘Are you uncomfortable meeting new people?’  Well, I think that’s a yes, don’t you agree, Harold?

‘Should sex education be taught outside the home?’ Oh, I would say no, wouldn’t you, Harold? Yeah, we’ll give a D there.  Three: ‘Should women run for president of the United States?’ I don’t see why not. Absolutely yes.

‘Do you remember jokes and take pleasure in relating them to others?’  Well, you don’t do that, do you, Harold? No. Absolutely not. ‘Do you often get the feeling that perhaps life isn’t worth living?’ Hmm, what is it, Harold? A? B? 

Oh, we’ll put C – not sure. ‘Is the subject of sex being overexploited by our mass media?’ Well, that would have to be yes, wouldn’t it? ‘Is it difficult for you to accept criticism?’  No. We’ll mark D.

‘Do you sometimes have headaches or backaches after a difficult day?’ Yes, I do indeed. ‘Do you go to sleep easily?’ I’d say so.  ‘Do you believe in capital punishment for murder?’ Oh, yes, I do indeed.

‘In your opinion, are social affairs usually a waste of time?’ Heavens, no! ‘Can God influence our lives?’  Oh, yes, absolutely yes. ‘Does your personal religion or philosophy include a life after death?’ (Harold points his gun at his mother)

Oh, yes, indeed. That’s absolutely.  ‘Did you enjoy life when you were a child?’ Oh, yes, you were a wonderful baby, Harold. ‘Do you think the sexual revolution has gone too far?’ It certainly has.  ‘Do you find the idea of wife-swapping distasteful?’

I even find the question distasteful. ‘Do you…’ (gunshot) Harold, please! ‘Do you have ups and downs without obvious reason?’ Oh, that’s you, Harold!

Read the play here

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