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A monologue from the screenplay by Annie Mumolo and Kristen Wiig
Annie
I told you she wanted to go to Paris. I told you Paris! I told you! What, you’re going to go to Paris with Helen now?! Are you going to ride around on bikes with berets and f***ing baguettes in the basket of the front of your bikes?
How romantic! What woman gives another woman a trip to Paris? Am I right? Lesbian! We’re all thinking it aren’t we? Yes, we’re all thinking it. Right? Lillian this is not the ‘you’ I know.
The ‘you’ that I know, would have walked in here and rolled your eyes and thought this was completely over the top, ridiculous, and stupid. Look at this shower! LOOK at that f***ing COOKIE!! Did you really think this group of women would finish that cookie?
Hey, you know what!? That reminds me, I don’t think I ever got a piece! Stupid f***ing cookie! Yes, we’re all thinking it. Right? Oooh, delicious! Ooo! Maybe it’s better if I dip it in the CHOCOLATE!! Is this what you want Lillian!?
Nothing says friendship like 1,000 gallons of unsanitary chocolate! Ow, ow, ow! What am I doing? Well, let me fill you in. Ever since you got engaged, everything has turned to sh*t. It’s all her fault. It’s not mine.
You would know that if you got your beautiful-haired-head out of your a**hole. In fact, out of her a**hole! WHICH I’M SURE IS PERFECTLY BLEACHED! I am happy for you, Lillian. I am very happy for you.
I wish you well and I won’t bother you anymore.
