Adam’s Family Values – Monologue (Debbie)

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A monologue from the screenplay by Paul Rudnick

Debbie Jellinsky

I don’t want to hurt anybody. I don’t enjoy hurting anybody. I don’t like guns, or bombs, or electric chairs. But sometimes people just won’t listen.  So I have to use persuasion. And slides. My parents: Sharon and Dave.

Generous. Doting…or where they? All I ever wanted was a Ballerina Barbie in her pretty pink tutu. My birthday. I was ten. And do you know what they got me? MAL-I-BU BAR-BIE! That’s not what I wanted. That’s not who I was. 

I was a ballerina. GRACEFUL! DELICATE! They had to go. My first husband, the heart surgeon. All day long coronaries, transplants. “Sorry about dinner, Deb, the Pope has a cold.”  Husband number two: the senator.

He loved his state. He loved his country. “Sorry, Debbie, no Mercedes this year. We have to set an example.” Oh, yeah? SET THIS! My latest husband. My late husband, Fester. The corpse, and his adorable family.

They took me in, accepted me, but did any of you love me? Really love me? So, I…I killed. So, I maimed. So, I destroyed one innocent life after another. Aren’t I a human being? Don’t I yearn, and ache, and shop? 

Don’t I deserve love? And jewelry? Sorry. Goodbye, everybody! Wish me luck.

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