The Motherf**r With The Hat – Monologue (Jackie)

A monologue from the play by Stephen Adly Guirgis


Anyway, Veronica, I think, was upset about the AA woman even though for all she knows nothing happened, and so, my belief is she started f***in’ the Motherf***er With The Hat so she could prove to herself that she don’t love me,

but, of course, we all know she do love me, but now, I found out about it ‘cuz the Motherf***er left his Hat on my table—so—I got upset, I got a gun from Chuchi,

and I took the hat and the gun to the Motherf***er with the Hat’s apartment downstairs, and . . . that’s when a incident happened. All I did: I knocked on the door. Motherf***er with the Hat answered.

I didn’t say nothing. I just took the Hat—the hat from my house, tossed it on his carpet, stared him straight in his eye, cocked the gun, and shot the f***in’ Hat on the carpet. Dass all I did.

I shot his Hat. Dass all. And—BELIEVE ME—the motherf***er KNEW what that was about! The problem is, the bullet went through his hat, ricko-shayed off his floor, blew out his big screen TV,

and put a hole into the guy next door’s apartment who was home at the time, so, I had to, like, flee . . . And now I gotta return the gun to f***in’ Chuchi, but he ain’t around, so could you please hide the f***in’ gun until, like, Chuchi could be located, please?

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