A monologue by Walter Ben Hare
NOTE: This monologue is reprinted from Bran’ New Monologues. Walter Ben Hare. Boston: Walter H. Baker & Co., 1920.
MRS. GILHOOLEY: Have yeez heard about me good fortune? Ould Mrs. Pinnymint doied, she did, and what do ye think?–She lift me a furnished bungaloo in her will. Oi been her cook fer twinty years and she had so much money she didn’t know who to lave it all to. She lift Dinnis the coachman a bungaloo, and she lift Nora the housemaid a bungaloo, and she lift me a furnished bungaloo. Foive rooms it had, and ivery wan of thim furnished. Whin Oi heard of me good fortune Oi took the strate car and wint out to look at me bungaloo. Oh, it was a lovely house, all riddy fer me to move into, wid the pots and the pans and the sheets and the pillow-cases, and the chairs and tables and aven a pianny in the front room and a bird cage in the windy. And what do ye think Oi found in the cellar? One dozen bottles of champagney water, all corked up toight and covered wid spider’s webs. Oi knew well that Oi’d be arristed under the bone-dry law if they found me wid the champagney water in me possession and it nearly broke me heart to have to throw it away. But law is law, so Oi sated meself in the kitchen, havin’ pulled all the curtains doon, and decided to put timptation out of me path foriver. Oi pulled the cark from wan bottle and it exploded like dynamite, but Oi turned it upside down in the sink and emptied all its contints, all except a small wine-glass full which Oi drank. Thin Oi pulled the cark from another bottle and it exploded like dynamite, but Oi turned it upside down in the sink and emptied all its contints, all except a small wine-glass full which Oi drank. Oi thin pulled the cark from another bottle and it exploded like dynamite, but Oi emptied it upside down in the sink and turned all its contents into a small wine-glass full which Oi drank. Oi thin pulled the cark from another dynamite, and it exploded like a bottle, but Oi emptied a small wine-glass full in the sink, and turned it upside down whin Oi drank. Oi thin removed another sink–Oi mane–another bottle from the cark–and Oi emptied it upside down into the small wine-glass and it exploded like dynamite which I drank. Oi thin pulled the sink from another cark–Oi mane Oi pulled the bottle from the dynamite–and it exploded loike a sink into a small wine-glass full which Oi drank. Oi thin drankled another small copple–Oi mane Oi dunkled a tump from ‘nother copple–you say, me frind, Oi mane Oi drank another small dynamite–Oi cackled–Oi mane Oi conckled–Oi mane the contints into the sink–or into the dynamite–Oi mane into me, Oi pulled the cork. Well, onyhow, Oi did it to all av thim twelve bottles. Be this toime the bottles was all empty and Oi was full of dynamite. The kitchen range began to dance forward and backward, and Oi stiddied the sink wid wan hand and began to count the bottles wid the other. Be this toime they was whirlin’ rapidly round me. Oi counted twinty-sivin out of the dozen. Thin Oi decided that Oi have to clane the cobwebses off’n the bottles, but they was revolvin’ round me loike a merry-go-round at Cooney Island. Oi sat on the flure and counted sixty-four av thim as they wint by. But by pritindin’ indifference to thim and springin’ at thim as they wint by whin they was aff their guard, Oi managed to capture all of thim, by their necks. Oi placed them beside me on the flure and they immadiately began bouncin’ oop and down. Oi counted thim again as they performed their evolutions. Two of thim Oi hild in me two hands and Oi counted the others as they bounced. Would you belave it, at me final count there was ninety five. Thin Oi wint to slape.