When January Feels Like Summer – Monologue (Jeron)

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A monologue from the play by Cori Thomas 

 African American, Jeron is speaking to his best friend Devaun. Jeron is very smart, but shy when it comes to talking to women—the opposite of Devaun, who is a womanizer but articulation challenged. 

JERON

JERON I dial. She answer. I say, “Hi, is this Larissa Shang?” And that’s another thing, that name you gave me is wrong. Larrisa Shang don’t sound like Lucy Ming, Devaun. The woman’s name is Lucy. 

So the sh*t was confusing right there at the jump point. She say, “Who?” I tell her I got the number from you. She say, “Yeh?” I say, “Yeh.” She say, “My name is Lucy.” 

I say, “Oh.” I want to punch you in your mouth right then. She ax me how it feel to be on TV? I say, “It aiight.” Then I hear some quiet silence so that I can hear her breathe over the phone. 

But I remember how you said to keep talkin’ and put your interests up front and sh*t. So I ax her forcefully if she want to git wit me. She silent. I repeat it, “Do you want to git wit me?” 

She silent again. I repeat it a third time. “Do you want to git wit me?” That’s when she say, “What do you mean?” So I say, “What do you mean, what do I mean?” She say, “What. do. You. mean?” 

In a real nasty tone, in a low-voice sound almost like a man. So I say, “I mean git wit me. To git. wit. me. Git it? You know about that right?

If your Moms and Pops ain’t git together, you and all human beings might not be born. ”So I repeat it one more time, ’cause I don’t know if maybe she don’t speak English good or she slow, I say, “Do. You. Want. To. Git. Wit. Me?”

That’s when Lucy Ming scream,  “I’MA SEND SOMEONE TO F*** YOU UP!” in my ear so loud it vibrate like a bell was ringing inside my head.

But I say to myself, well, at least I know she understand me. Sh*t! But instead, she hang the muthaf***in’ phone up on me. And when I call back, she hang up soon as I said “Hello.”

And this right here is why I don’t like to do this sh*t. Like callin’ muthaf***in’ punk a** wimmin and havin’ to speak to them so they can talk so loud in your ears and sh*t. 

Auno how you can think it’s worth it to have so many girlfriends and what have you. Who want to git wit a woman can scream so loud anyway.

I say, give me my own money, give me my own time. 

Wimmin is stupid. Some of em git pregnant and you gotta spend alla your lil money on Pampers. Then some of em want for you to pay for them to do they nails every week and sh*t. 

Why I want to spend my money on they nails? For what? I got more important things in the world to think about. I don’t need to be talkin’ on no phone to no stupid a** punk a** Lucy Ming. 

That’s on you, telling me some lie on her. That girl ain’t interested in me. And you made me call her like a damn stupid a** fool. I oughta whup you, Devaun.

I oughta whup your f***in’ a**.