The Pillowman – Monologue (Ariel)

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A monologue from the play by Martin McDonagh


Oh, really? Well, y’know, I’ll tell you what there is about me. There is an overwhelming, and there is an all-pervading, hatred…a hatred…of people like you.

Of people who lay even the littlest finger…on children. I wake up with it. It wakes me up. It rides on the bus with me to work. It whispers to me, ‘They will not get away with it’. I come in early.

I make sure all the bindings are clean and the electrodes are in the right order so we won’t…waste…time. I admit it, sometimes I use excessive force. And sometimes I use excessive force on an entirely innocent individual. But I’ll tell you this. 

If an entirely innocent individual leaves this room for the outside world, they’re not gonna contemplate even raising their voice to a little kid again, just in case I hear ‘em and drag ‘em in here for another load of excessive f**king force. 

Now, is this kind of behavior in an officer of the law in some way questionable morally? Of course it f**king is! But you know what? I don’t f**king care!  ‘Cos when I’m an old man, you know what? 

Little kids are gonna follow me around and they’re gonna know my name and what I stood for, and they’re gonna give me some of their sweets in thanks, and I’m gonna take those sweets and thank them and tell them to get home safe, and I’m gonna be happy. 

Not because of the sweets, I don’t really like sweets…but because I’d know…I’d know in my heart, that if I hadn’t been there, not all of them would have been there. 

Because I’m a good policeman. Not necessarily good in the sense of being able to solve lots of stuff, because I’m not, but good in the sense that I stand for something. I stand for something. I stand on the right side. 

I may not always be right, but I stand on the right side. The child’s side. The opposite side to you. And so, naturally, when I hear that a child has been killed in a fashion…in a fashion such as this ‘Little Jesus’ thing…you know what?

 I would torture you to death just for writing a story like that, let alone acting it out! So, y’know what? F**k what your mum and dad did to you and your brother. F**k it.

I’d’ve tortured the f**k out of them if I had them here, just like I’m going to torture the f**k out of you now too. ‘Cos two wrongs don’t make a right. Two wrongs do not make a right.

So kneel down over here, please, so I can connect you to this battery.

Read the play here

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