The Hunchback of Seville – Monologue (Christopher)

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A monologue from the play by Charise Castro Smith

Columbus has just landed in the new world and here addresses his crew and the audience.

Christopher Columbus (any age)

My name is Christopher Columbus And I claim this whole entire land-place that you all people see here before you and which we can legally term ‘The West Indies’

Since we obviously did our goal and got to India in the name of Spain and all its subsequent domicilios, provinces and corporations.

These are the true feelings I carried within my heart-breast on this most momentous moment in world universal history:

My name is Cristoforo Colombo and I claim this whole entire land-place (which I will call it this in my mind only because my benefactors are papists and look disagreeably on foul languages, okay.

And also because I was supposed to be locating India but instead I happened to make us come to) THE NEW F***ING WORLD in the name of me me me Cristoforo Colombo!!

And I hereby wish my máma was here to see this because she would be really proud of me and also let it hereby be known that although the repercussions and enormity of this discovery are yet unbeknownst to my conscious mind,

deep in the eaves of my brain I know, oh bambino do I ever know that I have found something here on these virginish shores which will prove even more alluring than, indeed, all the perfumes and spices of Araby.

And to every small person in Genoa who looked at me and said: ‘Ooooh! Cristoforo Colombo is a poopy little kid who works at his daddy’s cheese stand and is largely self-educated

and misinterpreted much of what he read as modern historians have pointed out from the notes he made in the margins of his copy of ‘The Travels of Marco Polo’ and also he poops his pants!’

And to everybody back in Europe who dares to think in private or utter in public: ‘I think privately and say publicly that there is a compelling body of evidence that Christopher Columbus did not actually reach India like he said he did

because according to widely accepted calculations of how big the actual earth is, there is no way that a boat during our times could go so fast that it would reach India without them running out of provisions and starving to death…’

And to everybody in the modern days whose like: ‘You are a backwards imperialist douchebag with an overinflated ego and also you are responsible largely for one of history’s most horrible genocides’ I say:

‘Do YOU have a holiday named after you in the United States of America 505 years after your death?’ Okay, so guess who is famous and guess who is not.

Read the play here