The Bad Guys – Monologue (Jesse)

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A monologue from the play by Alena Smith


F***in’ Chris. Thinks he’s so great ’cause he’s going back to school. Well, you know what that means? Debt. More debt. Chris and April are gonna be in debt for the rest of their lives, and so is their kid. 

And so are my parents. I’m the only one with my head above water, and that’s because I sell ganja to children. But of course, that’s a Band-Aid solution. Ultimately, I’m f***ed too. 

This whole country’s f***ed, you know that? Thanks to people like Fink. You know Fink was the one who kept telling my dad to build those shitty spec houses! Oh, everyone’s doing it. 

Easy money. Get in on the game, Glen. ’Cause houses aren’t for living in anymore. They’re for flipping! Like burgers. But then the big burger bubble blows up. And who do you think gets bailed out? 

Not us, nah. We go broke. Fink and his buddies— they’r e the ones getting government cheese. Welfare for Wall Street, that’s what America is all about. Ain’t that ironic? Dontcha think? 

‘Cause America, we hate welfare! Like when I see fat b*tches with babies hanging off their t*ts lining up for a handout—that just makes me sick. As an American, that just makes me puke a little bit in my mouth. 

But now Fink and his friends, they’re special. They’re too big to fail! So these guys, these banksters, what they need from us— what they need from you, America—is, oh, just a little thing called seven hundred billion dollars. 

Oh—and that’s just to start. An appetizer—no, an appeteaser. That’s what they call it at Applebee’s, right? And you know what they call it at KFC. [Beat.] A Double Down. Yup. 

That’s what we did here, America. We just doubled the f*** down on this bullshit.

Read the play here

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