None of the Above – Monologue (Jamie)

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A monologue from the play by Jenny Lyn Bader 


It wasn’t me who broke the vase! OK? I didn’t do it! I didn’t break the vase. Someone else broke it and I took the blame. So please stop trying to fit me into your little theory of entitlement.

Because I do not go smashing up precious antiques; that is not my idea of a fun time. I have never broken anything in my life. It was my boyfriend!

Roger Auerbach. And I knew if I told them that he broke it they would make it a rule for me not to see him and it would be really tricky to violate that because they are like really good friends with the Auerbachs.

And I thought I loved him. So I told them I broke it. That’s when they came up with the unique punishment of no allowance for thirteen years.

…He left me the following week for Sheila Martin. The nonentity who called the other day. The new girl in school. At this point everyone has been at Billington since nursery school and we usually don’t take new people after seventh grade?

So to have a new girl junior year is like a revelation. All of the men just melted. Also, she’s richer than Donald Trump, and she buys him presents, which of course I had to stop doing when my funding was cut off.

I have to discuss every potential purchase I make with my mother. So this cramps my style a little bit. . . . Yeah, and if it weren’t for the dealing I do?

I wouldn’t be able to afford the cabs. I’d be in dangerous neighborhoods. Alone. Dependent on the charity of insane adolescent men.

The business itself is pretty dangerous. No one used to care, but now the mayor is cracking down on small-timers. We’re living in a fascist state.

Read the play here

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